mightymikeD

The Irish contingent, live from Cork. 90% of what I write will be done through a haze of sleep deprivation & alcohol. @brightblack76 on the Twitaarghs


Posts by mightymikeD

Another Country Heard From: Wild 4 Hawks, Tru

Yesterday I posted a vitriolic (and damn funny) roast on the Hawks and the WC from Days of Y’Orr. Today, we’ll balance that with a contribution from one of our friends, Emilie, who is the Managing Editor at Hockey Wilderness; the SBN blog for future Conference III rivals the Minnesota Wild.  She makes some pretty persuasive arguments for why opposition fans should be backing the Hawks.  Take it away, Em

More >

East Meets West. Insults Ensue. A Word from Days of Y’Orr

It’s been a funny old season, not least because the Eastern and Western Conferences have (until now) been kept apart, in much the same way that a St Louis Marriage Counselor (Police Officer to you & I) steps in between Durleen and Wayde when they get to tussling over the last of the meth.

We know all about the West, of course, having spent the year kicking them all in (often repeatedly). However, in a spirit of enquiry, I reached out to excellent Bruins blog Days of Y’Orr to see what, exactly, they think of the Western Conference over there in the East and how they think this series will shake out.

What follows is all theirs..  be warned.

More >

Burn, Hollywood, Burn. Kings 3 Hawks 4 (2OT), Hawks win series 4-1

 

This one nearly killed me.

As this game progressed, and the elation of the early lead was slowly replaced with gnawing tension, I got drunker and drunker and shut down all distractions like Twitter. Focus. Concentrate. Will it there.

Then joy as Kane potted what surely must be the winner.. turning to despair when Bickell iced it, Toews lost the draw and the puck clipped off Mike Richards in a crowded crease to tie it up.  1OT passed in a blur of terror, a state that was repeated until.. well, you all saw it.

Patrick Kane, folks. Patrick “Fuck This Sound, I’ma win this mofo” Kane. Nice.

More >

Wish You Were Here, Buddy.

Today marks the First Anniversary of the passing of Dan Appelt, better known online as Badgerdano. For those not familiar with either name, Badgerdano was a regular at the old Second City Hockey site, in fact, had been there almost from the start, and was a witty and popular commentator and the origin of a meme that persists to this day. You know when you’ve been Badgerdano’d

SCH was the place that myself, Nakis and JesusMarianHossa first crossed paths (and occasionally butted heads). Badger was an integral part of the community there, a welcoming voice to newcomers, an incisive analyst of whatever the Hawks were up to at the time and always ready to get in on (or, frequently, instigate)  the inevitable mickey-taking that was part of the fun.  I should probably add that he was known to be, on occasion, “Quite Supportive” of all things UW. Just a little bit.

More >

Regicide: Hawks 3 Kings 2 (Series 3-1)

Tonight was all set up to be a write-off for the Hawks: even perennial “Glass-Half-Full” types like myself were prepared to accept a Keith-Less Chicago getting beat by the Kings and their formidable Home record. We were saying things like “Holding Serve at Home will win this series”.. which is making Tennis analogies in Hockey and clearly all wrong. But I think it’s safe to say that we were planning on resuming hostilities at the UC with the series tied.

Not the case, as it happened.

The Hawks played out of their skins from Puck Drop. There were few battles uncontested and the men in white were everywhere, hassling and harrying. There was also the confidence to keep the passing short and smart. Mainly, the game got played at a pace that the LAK Defense simply cannot live with.  Kane’s goal is a prime example of this. Yeah, sure he just tapped a Bickell redirect of a long shot from Hjammer over the line..  but he had also (along with Toews) been part of a sequence of play leading up to it that had left the Kings reeling. That sort of White-Hot Offense from Chicago will beat anyone. The goal felt inevitable.

Make no mistake, this was an excellent performance from the Hawks, missing one of their biggest pieces. We are headed back to Chicago with a chance to do as the Hawks did unto the Wild.. which is to say Win in 5.

The sun is up here in London, it’s pissing it down with rain and I’m foregoing sleep entirely tonight, as I have to go to work in two hours. Therefore, let’s get the bullets going.. but before we do, the 3 Stars tonight (according to NHL.com) were, apparently, Hossa, Kane and Penner. Which is all kinds of horseshit.

More >

To Catch A King.. CHI-LAK Series Preview with a Special Guest

To be perfectly honest, I’ve not seen much of the Kings this year, other than their visits to the UC: There’s an 8-hour time difference between here and California, so I tend to reserve my 3am game starts for Vancouver. Fortunately I know someone who has had ample opportunity to get a very good look at the reigning Champs, both as a Divisional Rival and during their 7-Game WCSF. So, without further ado, I’d like to present ElvisVF101 from the excellent Fear The Fin, the SBN blog of the San Jose Sharks. He was not only kind enough to answer my dumb questions, he’s also provided a wonderful preamble. The following is all his, italicised questions are mine. Enjoy


So you’re playing the LA Kings in a playoff series. I’m sorry for you on a multitude of levels. First off, prepare for massive massive frustration. The Kings are a darned good hockey team and you’re bound to lose a few games. This time of year, every loss feels like the apocalypse. Second, you’ll have to deal with Kings “fans.” I put “fans” in quotation marks because being a fan of the LA Kings means something a good deal different than being a fan of other teams. Fans of other teams are passionate about their teams and stick with them through thick and thin. They suffer through thick and thin with their team. If you’re a fan of any team in the “Greater” LA Area (and I put Greater in quotations because, believe me, there’s nothing Great anywhere in LA), your team’s success is like the latest fashion. You wear it while it’s hot, and then toss it aside when it no longer serves your purpose of looking cooler than anyone else in your own head. That makes them completely unlike Bay Area sports fans. Trust us. It’s totally true because we say it all the time, so it must be true. Third, you’ll have to endure aerial shots of LA. And LA is a dump. It’s a city of 9 million people in the middle of a desert basin with no water and it was where all the outlaws went during the Gold Rush. And it doesn’t look like anything’s gotten better since then. But LA’s, like, a major media market or something. It’s such an important media market that America’s largest and most profitable league has no team in the market and still does just fine.

But enough about the City of Angels. Not just the crappy movie, but the crappy town too. Let’s talk about their hockey team, the reigning Stanley Cup Champions. You have questions. And, unlike Sharks’ fans, when posed with the question “So when’s your team going to win something?”, we have answers:

More >

Except Death: Wings 1 Hawks 2 (Hawks Win Series 4-3)

 

I got handed this wrap fairly late in the day, due to Nakis scoring tickets for the game. I was happy to get it, as I was pretty sure I could write a heartfelt send-off to the Hawks’ season if needed.

Luckily, it wasn’t required.

I’m not going to get into a detailed recap of the game because I’m assuming you were watching it. It was probably the most evenly-matched game of this epic series, both sides throwing the kitchen sink at each other. However, with a minute and a half to go in the 3rd, with the game tied at 1-1, Niklas Hjalmarsson scored on an amazing solo effort to advance the Hawks to the WCF and.. wait, what? Waved off? WHAT THE FUCK?

I’m, fairly sure we all felt the same thing: a terrible, terrible call by Stephen Walkom got the (likely) winning goal consigned to the bin and we all automatically assumed that the Hockey Gods were going to let the Wings win this and leave us in the circle of Hell that Leafs fans occupy when they complain about Kerry Fraser in 1993.

However, Brent Seabrook popped up in OT to deflect one in off a sliding Kronwall, to win the series and speed the Hawks to a WCF against the Kings.

Kronwall was devastated after the horn and Jimmy Howard was the first to comfort him. Classy move. I, however, am going to show zero-class by laughing my ass off at Kronwall’s cries for the rest of time. Couldn’t have happened to a bigger douchecopter. Some quick bullets, then..

  • Guess the PP working was too good to be true. The only time it wasn’t terrible was when the Hawks managed to win the draw and keep it in the zone.
  • The UC was pretty rocking all night. Loudest anthem I’ve heard (and Jim C seemed to be giving it some extra welly, too) Guess that’s what happens when you get Holiday Road in the pre-game mix.
  • Johnny O didn’t have the greatest of nights. Q needs to have a think about his D pairings with the prospect of the Kings’ forecheck looming.
  • Patrick Sharp is a handsome, handsome man.
  • Justin Abdelkader is a turd. He dialled the stoopid up to 11 in this, a must-win situation. On the other hand, penisloaf that he is, Nik Kronwall was playing out of his skin. Wings fans will probably scream about Shaw slew-footing Filpulla (I haven’t seen the replay, but I’m assured that he did) for a few years but Filps has been nigh-on invisible all series anyway. Dats was Dats. I’m actually looking forward to watching him do those things that he does so well next year, when he’s in the East and it doesn’t matter.
  • OK, that call.. I was so furious over the goal getting scrubbed that I didn’t have any rage left for Saad getting a penalty for being mugged. I’m the last person in the world to whine about refs; but that call was so egregious that it warrants some sort of formal review. When even Detroit fans are calling bullshit on a call that gave them a lifeline, you know something stinks. I got way too close a look at the anger that Leafs fans feel about Fraser. The main issue, though, is that the war room in Toronto either couldn’t or wouldn’t countermand the on-ice call when it so blatantly should’ve. If it’s a “Couldn’t”, then maybe that needs to be looked at by the League. Will never happen, though.
  • Thanks, Seabs. Way to come good at the death. I’m starting to think that his issues may be to do with either his health or conditioning. The man was literally pouring sweat while being asked stupid questions by Pierre, well after the horn.  I was worried that he was going to die. Also, nice bone-cruncher from Bolland to start the rush. Moar, plz, Dave.
  • Corey Crawford is having himself one hell of a post-season. His numbers compare favourably to Tim Thomas in 2011 and Jon Quick from last year.  No more calls for DAT EMORY GUY, please, meatballs.
  • Finally, some team is going to pay a ton of money to Bryan Bickell and Nick Leddy this summer. That team should be the Chicago Blackhawks. Ditto for Marcus Kruger. He and Frolik were absolute studs, yet again.

So, we’re all delirious with joy, the WCF series against the Kings doesn’t start till Saturday and Hossa is in his Heaven.

Get back to celebrating the Hawks finally knocking the Wings off their perch in our final meeting as rivals.

We’ll get to the Californians soon. The war of words between blogs should make for a fun time.

Oh, and just in case you needed yet another reason to smile:

 

 

peace

 

mmD

5 Ways To Survive Game 7

A Cheer The Anthem Public Health Announcement

 

As my esteemed colleague Bartl pointed out, Of Course It’s A Game 7. Be honest, did you not believe, in the septic recesses of what used to be your heart, that this would be the case from the moment this series was on? It has come to pass, and it’s going to be a tough night. Luckily your frents at Cheer The Anthem have complied this handy 5-step program to ensure that you make it through this experience with at least a shred of sanity, dignity and personal well-being left.

So, here’s our 5 Steps To Surviving Game 7 (because Prime Numbers Rule)

More >

Holiday Road: The 2013 Regular Season

 

While we’re all nervously awaiting tonight’s event, here’s a quick look back at the happier days of the Regular Season, set to the new Unofficial Hawks Anthem, Lindsay Buckingham’s Holiday Road.

Credit for the popularisation of this number goes to our good friends at Hockeenight. Stick Tap to Fork, CT, Morph and Slak.

This is my first ever attempt at video editing, so be gentle, hey? It kept me occupied for a couple of hours today, which was good for my fingernails and liver if nothing else.

 

 

 

 

Let’s Go, Hawks!

 

New Dawn Coming: Wings 1 Hawks 4 (series 3-2)

Redemption, of a sort

It’s 4.30am here in London. The game has only been over for about thirty minutes.  It’s getting light outside and the birds are singing.  There’s a new day on the way, I’m exhausted and have work in a few hours.

But the Hawks are still alive.

 

In fact, not only are they still alive, tonight we got to see the Regular Season “Sweep All Before Them” Hawks kerbstomp a Wings outfit that was out of ideas by the end of the 1st Period.  Make no mistake, from the opening face-off Detroit were never in this game.  The 4 shots they managed on Stalberg’s Hooking penalty in the 1st was the closest they came to taking charge. Once that penalty was killed, they lapsed into mediocrity and stupidity (and oh, how nice it was to have that boot on another foot tonight)

More >

wings-of-desire1

Flipping Out

That’s you, that is..

The Hawks find themselves in something of a sticky situation, having dropped three straight to the Red Wings and facing an Elimination Game at the UC tonight . This has left sections of the fanbase a little on-edge, shall we say.

Tonight is going to suck, whatever happens: even if the Hawks stomp the Wings in impressive fashion, that merely prolongs the agony . We’ve seen the suffering, the angst and the despair on the message boards and blogs. We feel this pain and we empathize.  But we have a commitment to helping you through these terrible hours and days, and the first stage of dealing with it to to know where you stand. Therefore, your friends here at Cheer The Anthem have come up with this handy quiz, in order to find out just how close to the ledge you are.

More >

images

The Five Best* Hockey Songs, Ever

*Actual “Best” may be smaller than pictured.

Hockey and Music: they’re inextricably entwined. Whether it be Great Goal Songs, Terrible Goal Songs or the Worst Goal Songs in the History Of Bad Goal Songs; arena music programmers who think they’re the first person to think of playing “Song 2″ or “Welcome To The Jungle”, misguided fans singing along to a song that is actually about getting out of the desolate hell-hole they live in or the fact no-one seems to remember that convicted kiddy-fiddler Gary Glitter still gets royalties from “Rock n’Roll Part 2″; music is an integral part of the Hockey experience.

(And, of course, there’s  Täint Nügget.)

However, there is also a subculture of bands and musicians that have written and recorded (and based their entire careers, in some cases) on songs about Hockey. After the jump, we look at the Five Best Hockey Songs..

More >

bryan-adams-reckless-mp3

10 Things You DIDN’T Know About Bryan Bickell

We’ve all seen Bryan “Bingo” Bickell, third line winger extraordinaire, future husband and over-priced Free Agent, owner of the most riveting feed on Twitter

But how much do we really know about him? Luckily, your pals here at Cheer The Anthem are on hand to make up some stuff about him. Read on for “10 Things You DIDN’T Know About Bryan Bickell”

More >

Hawks Fans Around The World, Stand Hand-In-Hand

Hawks Fans.. they’re everywhere. Obviously there are plenty of North Americans currently working, studying or serving overseas. However, there’s also us: the few, the proud, the “Actually Foreign” Hawks fans. We battle Ass-O’Clock game times and massive indifference from friends and colleagues to follow our team. Some of us have never been to Chicago, let alone the UC, yet we consider ourselves as much a part of Hawks nation as anyone.

My own story starts with Da ’85 Bears (as so much else does) and has its twists and turns that led me to the ’09 WCF and the sealing of the deal.  But this isn’t about me. Obviously this is a subject close to my heart, so I reached out to a bunch of my fellow Toilers-In-Timezone-Hell with a few questions. Which are below.  These good folk are from Ireland, Scotland, Sweden & Germany. With the exception of Sweden, Hockey is either a minority sport or practically non-existent.  Their words are their own, the italicized questions are mine.  Next time you’re watching the Hawks, raise a glass to them. And if you’re in our neigbourhoods, look us up.

 

(Author’s note: these interviews were conducted in the early stages of the Minnesota series)

 

More >

p4

The 5 Types of Red Wings Fans

 

 

It’s time, once again, to renew hostilities with the despised Winged Wheel. I’m busy laying in the booze and soundproofing my room (my neighbours don’t like it when the Police, Fire Brigade, Bomb Squad and a Priest all turn up simultaneously in the middle of the night). However, I took some time out of my busy schedule to look at some of the chief characteristics of their fans, just so we can look forward to not seeing so much of them in the future.  Without further ado, here they are:

More >

Things To Do In St. Louis When You’re Dead

 

So much for that. The confident pick of many Hockey writers & pundits, St. Louis were tipped to win the Central and march out of the West. Apparently they were strong, unified and had totally bought into Ken Hitchcock’s system; which brought them so close to a Presidents’ Trophy last year.  And Jaro Halak and Brian Elliott were going to continue as the hottest goaltending tandem in the League.

Instead, here we are, deja vu time. Rumours of locker room problems, indications that the team has quit on the coach and, oh, yeah: out of the Playoffs again. St Louis’ wait for a cup will have to continue.

I’m not going to write a lengthy eulogy, better writers than me are surely sharpening their..um.. internet pens (?) to do so. Instead, I’m going to look at things that the Blues can do with all this free time they’ve suddenly got. Through the medium of crappy photoshops, of course.

 

More >

CT ct-spt-blackhawks-wild-chicago-0508-008.JPG

Boooo-urned. Hawks 3 Wild 0 (series 3-1)

 

That was… effective, I guess. The Wild, as in the previous game, came out flying around the ice trying to hit anything that moves and throw the Hawks off their game.  Again, it worked to a degree: this game was closer than the scoreline suggests and Corey Crawford had himself a mighty fine night. But the upshot? Goal in each period, a shutout and an increased likelihood that the only shiny metal things in the hands of Zach Pari$e and Ryan $uter this year also have the word “Slazenger” on them.

Also have to mention the first exit of the Post-Season as the Canucks were swept by the Sha-Arks. I had the series down as a battle of two teams that had probably missed their Cup-window, but I certainly thought that the Nucks were still closer to their peak than San Jose. Plus the whole “Choking” thing.  I was wrong, as usual. I don’t think there can be any doubt that there are going to be big changes in Vancouver in the new season. I would guess that Vigneault will be gone soon, but the biggest question there is what to do about Honk & Donk. That team is built around them when, arguably, it should be built around Kesler. Anyway, I digress..

Bullets:

  • The Miracle Of Childbirth seems to inspire Patrick Sharp. Remember this?   That handsome, handsome man got himself a pair (and came damn close to a hat-trick) as team-mate Duncan Keith rejoined the side after attending the birth of his son, Colton (impressively ‘Canadian’ name there, Duncs)
  • Corey Crawford had himself a shutout and some great frigging saves. He flat out robbed Zach Parise (again) and generally looked like the happy, aggressive, confident Crow we all know and love. Although he did go a-wandering to play the puck a few times. Let’s keep that to a minimum, hey?
  • Subject of goalies, Josh Harding got hurt in a collision with the Captain late in the 1st Period. He played on in clear discomfort and did not return after the intermission. The current word is “Lower Body Injury” which, obviously, tells us nothing. Darcy Kuemper came in as relief and.. well.. I believe the expression rhymes with “Ticked The Frog”. Wild fans that I know have a high opinion of this kid, and I’m not going to dump on him here.. but boy he had a night to forget. He had to have both of those goals and turned into a rebound machine.
  • Bingo Bickell got his 3rd goal of the Playoffs on a shot from an acute angle that I’m sure even he didn’t expect to go in. They all count, though, and more please. If his swansong in an Indianhead involves lifting another Cup (with his name actually going on it this time) then so be it.
  • Patrick Kane is a fucking genius. Every time he touched the puck I got tense in anticipation. He appears to be using some sort of Matrix-style bullet-time that isn’t available to mere mortals. Saw a lot of time with Toews tonight. I like.
  • Marian Hossa gave us some Beast-Mode, too, especially when picking off a Koivu attempt to spring Pari$e to start the rush that led to the first goal. Toews was getting stuck in but is still pointless.. then again we saw practically nothing out of the Wild’s top line either so there’s a cancelling-out element going on there.
  • On the subject of “Pointless”, GorillaSalad’s TOI: 3.55 PIM: 2.00. Can we please have Ben Smith now?
  • And while we’re talking about turds, Cal Clutterbuck (or David Schwimmer: The Porn Years) is a worthless POS. Someone on Twitter used the unfortunate expression “You’ve Been Clutterbucked” after another of his John Woo style leaping elbows.  Which makes sense. His borderline hitting reminds one of Detroit’s Finest Ass-Tick. I think he had 1,736 hits last night according to the Wild’s scorer, although I may be out by 50-60.
  • Ryan $uter has the slit-like eyes of a lifelong glue-sniffer.
  • The PK was nails, again. But 6 penalties? This is not a recipe for success against teams that are actually good at Hockey. Please to be cutting that shit out.
  • Finally, how about those fans? Most of the Wild fans that I know are reasonably level-headed (by Hockey Fan standards). What to make of the mistimed booing, “Craaaaw-fuuuurd” chants and general asshattery last night? No idea, but then I remember that these are likely many of the same idiots who booed Harding when he came in cold during the Edmonton shellacking. So screw ‘em.

We’re back in Chicago tomorrow night with the “Who gives a fuck about the West” start time of 8.30 Central (2.30am  here.. hooray) and the chance for a handshake line. Last time we were on the right side of one of those? I’m sure you all remember.

 

 

 

wild-blackhawks-hockey.jpeg4-1280x960

Reality Bites: Wild 2 Hawks 5

ahahhahahhhahhaaaa

 

That’s more like it, hey?

After Game 1 being a close run thing, the Hawks simply placed a skate on the neck of the Wild tonight and never really took the pressure off. It was a game more one-sided than the scoreboard suggested and a welcome display of superiority pretty much everywhere on the ice.

Josh Harding got his second straight start and once again had a fine game, which he needed to have, as his “Defence” allowed 48 shots. Getting outshot almost 2-1 is never a recipe for success and, sure enough, the Wild came unstuck under this relentless barrage. Two goals from Michael Frolik and Patrick Sharp plus an hilarious ENG from Wild-Killer “Bingo” Bickell (stick tap to JR Lind) were enough to get the Hawks there. Setoguchi managed his standard “Annoying Playoff Goal”  and something called Scandella also scored for the Wild but it never felt that they were in it. Bullets? Bullets

 

  • On a night where (Sharp aside) the Hawks’ superstars were kept off the scoreboard, it came down to the supporting cast to get it done. And they did. That third line of the Hawks just looks better and better with every passing game.
  • Who was that standing there with his thumb up his ass while Frolik scored shorthanded? Was that Ryan $uter? It was. His (and Brodin’s) ice-time stayed below 25 minutes. Which is a good thing, I guess.  Didn’t matter.
  • On the subject of Reasons Why The Lockout Happened, that sequence where Zach Pari$e took approximately 398 shots from both sides of the net while Corey Crawford soaked it all up with a smile was absolutely hilarious. In a close game I’d be questioning why someone wasn’t clearing out the crease, but in this context it’s just funny.
  • That pass from Kane to Sharp for the 4th goal? That’s how you make a whole bunch of big guys protecting their crease completely irrelevant in a split second. Patrick Kane, folks. He’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
  • Andrew Shaw was a wonderfully itchy rash on the taint of the Wild all night. I think I love that horrible little thug.
  • Mikko Koivu decided that the best way to motivate his team was a Backes-Style march-to-the-box.  Pointless, a -3 on the night and 6 PIMs out of his team’s total of 10. That’s Leadership right there, folks.
  • Bickell and Stalberg may indeed be pricing themselves out of town with their play so far in this series, but you know what? Who cares. I’m sitting back and enjoying the ride.

So it’s off to Minnesota for Game 3. I’m interested to see what Mike Yeo does in terms of line matching. Does he let his top people get neutralised by the Hawks stars while the likes of Bickell and Stalberg run riot on the “Bum Of The Month Club” that is the Wild’s supporting cast? Or does he try to shut down Toews and co. with his 3rd line? The results of which should be predictable and hilarious.

I don’t believe in jinxes but I know that some of you do.. so I won’t use the word itself. Let’s put it this way. It rhymes with “Weep”. Which a lot of people in Minnesota will be doing over the next few days.

 

Peace.

 

 

 

Partay

Congratulations, St Louis. Blackhogs 1 Blues 3

 

Well done, Blues, well done. You saw the cream of the Just-Outside-The-AHL-Playoffs tonight, but you didn’t flinch and ground out a gritty victory. I hope you enjoyed it. Hard Times are a-coming.

 

dong 3

Partay

Victory Party Behind The Purina Building

 

 

 

In other news, The Wild will be the Hawks first-round opponents.. but more o’ that later. Hope those who went to Gonna Drinken 2 aren’t suffering too badly this morning and we’ll be back with much, much more before the Real Fun begins.

scott 3

Lick Yourself Off My Shoe: Hawks @ Blues Preview

(The quote above comes from the TV show Brass Eye. If you don’t know what that is, fix it. )

 

 

Anyway, the Hawks round off their Regular season with the always delightful trip to Missourah. As of this writing (wee hours of the morning for you nice folk in the US) we’re anticipating a team full of Black Aces to give the top guys a breather and keep important craniums away from wandering elbows, sticks, pads and knees.

Could make for a torrid introduction to the NHL for some of these lads..  the Blues will likely Hulk Out because

a) They always do.  They know of no other way. This is what happens when you ice a team that has the collective restraint, sense of fair play and intelligence of a rabid Hyena that’s has been licking the lead paint off a wheelbarrow full of pig shit.

b) The Blues actually do have something to play for: they currently squat in 4th, but could end up, depending on tonight’s game with the Hawks and the Battle Of California in LA, as low as 6th.  Which, obviously, runs the gamut from “Home Ice against San Jose” to “Heading out West to play the Kings”. Or, of course, the one we’re all hoping for: Vancouver.

The sheer Shitbaggery that would surely dominate that series would provide us with many, many chuckles along the way. While, sadly, they can’t both lose, I’m sure that a nightmarish 7-gamer with lots of 4OT would leave the winner looking like those skidmarks that Roman Polak just can’t eliminate from his undies, however hard he wipes (tip for Roman: try using TP rather than a dead rat)

So how does this hilarious situation come about?

A Hawks win coupled with San Jose beating LA in either OT or SO drops the Blue Notes to 6th. It’s a bit of a long shot, I know. I’m not expecting much from the Hawks players, except trying to fend off whichever  Blue is gnawing on their coccyx all night. Staying healthy is more important than fucking up the Blues post-season. They’ll have plenty of opportunity to do that themselves.

I’ll be back with a recap after the dust settles.. just hope there’s nothing to make me angrier than I normally am after having to watch Backes, Reaves, Jackman, Polak et al trying to set the Cause of Quality Hockey back a couple of generations.

Also make sure to keep an eye on events in Dallas, Denver and Columbus. The Wild pissed on their chips last night to the tune of a 6-1 shellacking at home by the Oilers, therefore setting up a day of hellish twists and turns in the race for 7/8th seed. Enjoy their pain.

 

Pizza Hutt

Room for a Wafer-Thin Mint, Ken?

 

Let’s Go, Hawks

 

SHITTER

In The Shitter: Flames @ Hawks Preview

Tonight, for the final Home game of the 2012-13 Regular Season, the Blackhawks host the Calgary Fla.. oh, fuck it.

The Flames are dead and buried, the Hawks are home and hosed, there is nothing to care about and we don’t even get to gaze adoringly at Iggy and heave deep, heartfelt, sighs. Ryan Stanton is up , the rest of the Black Aces will get the call tomorrow. And St Louis, of course.  There’s always them.

So, rather than make (redundant) jokes about Jay Feaster, I thought I’d take a quick look at the final days of the Season for the three teams fighting it out for the last two Playoff places in the West. Or, as I call it

 

SHITTER

 

There are many, many different permutations and combinations that could see some of these teams either finish as high as 6th or hit the golf course early.  It’s exactly the sort of Bowel-Loosening situation that I, for one, am glad the Hawks avoided entirely this year.  I still flinch when I think back to two years ago.  I won’t try to elucidate every potential outcome, just a few of the more intriguing possibilities. One of these bunches of schmucks are going to be the Hawks’ first-round opponent, after all.

More >

shit

Pure Original (Six)

 

 

One of the less-remarked upon aspects of the waning days of this oh-so-brief Regular Season is that, possibly as soon as later tonight, all of the Original 6 teams could well end up in the Playoffs.

“Pshaw” you say, “Surely that is a frequent occurrence? These Six Teams are from the strongest Hockey Markets, have Storied Histories and a slew of names on the Cup and in the HOF”

You couldn’t be more wrong. And stop talking like Noel Coward. Without looking it up, how often have the entire O6 gotten into the Playoffs together since the ’67 expansion?  If you said “Three Times”, have a cigar, you Big Cheater.  And the last time this happened? ’95-’96.  Twelve Seasons ago (not including the Lost Season)

There are myriad reasons for this being the case. One of which is that several of these teams have gone though years and years of being Terrible. Another is that some of the Expansion teams hit the ground running and either tried to Enchant (’80s Oilers), Maim (’70s Flyers) or Ruin Hockey (’90s Devils) . Various Conference systems have militated against it too.  All that could change tonight with a Detroit win against the Kings. The following is by no means an attempt to Jinx them in any way, shape or form. Honest.

The World was a very different place in 1996, and so was the Hockey World.  In an attempt to help you to understand the yawning void between 1996 (the year I recorded my first record with my band yet still, somehow, failed to get any Action with the Ladies) and now, (where I write “Comedy” about Hockey and still, inexplicably.. oh.. FML..) I’m going to do some comparisons and contrasts about those years. Hang onto your Hypercolor shirts and Jesus Jones records.. we’re heading back to the ’90s.

 

hype

  More >

Van 5

The Five Types of Vancouver Fans.. Hawks @ Nucks Preview

Here Come The Nucks..

While they may have gone off the ‘Hawks radar a little this season, there’s no doubt that we’ll all be reminded of just how much we dislike this team tonight, especially as Vancouver will come out all guns blazing to try to thwart Chicago in their pursuit of the Greatest Prize in Sports, the Presidents’ Trophy.

Tonight’s game is in the Rogers so that means

1) A Three-In-The-Fucking-Morning puck-drop for me. Thanks a bunch, Western Time Zone.

2) Lots of towel waving from Vancouver fans.. and on that subject, let’s take a look at our “Friends” in British Columbia in a little more detail.

tit 6

Canucks fans come in all shapes and sizes.. some are wonderful people, others, less so. Here’s some of the more frequently-encountered types.

tit 3

Van 5

Distinguishing Features: Firmly believes that the Canucks have never, ever lost due to being “Not As Good At Hockey” as the Other team. Instead it’s the fault of, in no particular order, the NHL, the Refs swallowing their whistles, the Media, the Refs calling too many penalties,  a Top-Secret Cabal made up of Americans and jealous Canadians that is determined to manipulate the entire NHL to ensure that the Canucks never, ever win the Stanley Cup and, possibly, Space Aliens.

Redeeming Features: The lengths that they will go to back up their pet conspiracy theories is highly entertaining, in a car-crash sort of way (like watching Buffalo).

Secret Hope: That one day, while presenting the Cup to yet another undeserving team that only won lots of Games in the Playoffs, Gary Bettman’s mask slips off to reveal that he is, in fact, an alien from the Planet Zanussi, sent here to destroy the minds of Mankind. (Actually, they may be on to something here..)

Secret Fear: That they’re likely to end up as a footnote in some Med-Student’s dissertation on the Long-Term-Effects of Cannabis.

More >

whiteout

A Demain, Yotes.. a Preview Of Sorts

dog-versus-coyote-09

“last one to the Finish has to kiss Backes”

 

 

So, Phoenix. Hum.

For a brief period last year they replaced Vancouver, Detroit and even St Louis. as the Hawks’ “Public Enemy #1″. Whether it was Mike Smith’s overreacting to being hit behind the net by Andrew Shaw , Shane Doan showing why he’s the Greatest Captain in the History of Ever by elbowing everything that turned its back on him, or their annoying fans, with their bogus traditions and temper tantrums whenever they were gently ribbed about the team being relocated (ok, maybe showing up at the game in a Nordiques sweater and singing “Do You Know The Way To The Colisee” might have been undiplomatic), they generally failed to win many friends with the Hawks. Oh.. wait, there was another incident wasn’t there? It’ll come to me..

Now, Aucoin, Whitney and Torres are all gone. Smith has shown some sparks of his old Diva ways but has also been decidedly pre-2012-Mike-Smith. Which is to say “Bad”. Shane Doan is still a douche but also hurt. It’s kind of hard to generate any heat, here.

The Yotes are on the brink of elimination from the Playoff race and the Hawks can help to ease them over the precipice tonight, in what could well be the final-ever meeting of these two teams.

Final meeting? Yes.

Because there’s always that elephant in the room when talking about Phoenix. Or a logo that kind of looks like an elephant, anyway.

More >