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With the 2014-15 campaign set to start tonight the staff got together today (read: we sent an e-mail because we’re at work and needed a distraction) to try their hands at prognosticating the upcoming season. Go ahead and bookmark this so you can make fun of us in April when the Washington Capitals somehow win the President’s Trophy or something. Without further needless introduction, here’s what we came up with for the coming hockey season.

West Playoff teams

Nakis: Chicago, St. Louis, Minnesota, Dallas, Colorado, Los Angeles, Anaheim, San Jose

Adam: Chicago, St. Louis, Minnesota, Dallas, Los Angeles, Anaheim, San Jose, Arizona (I looked at the conference for almost 30 minutes figuring out who to pick over Colorado… this is a reach, I am aware)

Mike D: Chicago, St. Louis, Minnesota, Colorado, Dallas, Anaheim, Los Angeles, San Jose

Le Pac: Chicago; LA; St. Louis; Anaheim; Dallas; San Jose; Colorado; and Vanksy

Tom: Chicago; San Jose; St. Louis; Los Angeles; Anaheim; Dallas; Minnesota; Vancouver

Bartl: Chicago, St. Louis, Minnesota, Dallas, Los Angeles, Anaheim, Vancouver, San Jose

East Playoff Teams

Nakis: Montréal-Boston-Tampa Bay-Florida-Pittsburgh-New Jersey-New York Rangers-New York Islanders

Adam: Boston, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, New York Islanders, Columbus, Montreal, Ottawa, Florida

Mike D: Boston, Tampa, Montreal, Detroit, Pissburgh (s/t Desipio), Rags, Beej, Islanders

Le Pac: Boston; NYR; Montreal; Tampa Bay; Pittsburgh; NJ; NYI; CBJ

Tom: Boston, Montreal and six other teams with no shot at winning the Stanley Cup

Bartl: Pittsburgh, Columbus, NYR, Boston, Tampa, Montreal, Florida, Detroit

President’s Trophy Winner

Nakis: Montreal

Adam: Boston

Mike D: Does it matter? OK. Boston.

Le Pac: Boston

Tom: Boston

Bartl: Montreal

Conference iii Final Standings

Nakis: Chicago-St. Louis-Minnesota-Dallas-Colorado-Nashville-Winnipeg

Adam: St. Louis, Chicago, Dallas, Minnesota, Nashville, Colorado, Winnipeg

Mike D: Chicago, St. Louis, Minnesota, Dallas, Colorado, Nashville, The Peg

Le Pac: Chicago; St. Louis; Dallas; Colorado; Minnesota; Nashville; Winnipeg

Tom: Chicago; STL; Dallas; Minnesota; Colorado; Nashville and the place with no parks in last

Bartl: ST. Louis, Chicago, Dallas, Minnesota, Colorado, Nashville, Winnipeg

Guy We’re Rooting the Hardest for to Fail

Nakis: Mike Yeo. I want Minnesota to tank hard because I don’t think I can sit through another playoff series with those boring assholes.

Adam: The best part was not having to think about this. Jarome Iginla and it’s not even close. Marian Hossa is the only Cup chaser I love. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Mike D: Evander Kane, so that the Winnipeg media finally run him out of town on a rail (for being too “Sassy”, “Brash” and “Uppity”, not for any other reason, oh no) and the Hawks can haz him for Versteeg, who passes the all-important Gary Lawless test; in that he’s a terrible rapper.

Le Pac: I’m going to pick two, a player and a front-office. The player I want to see fail more than any other is Brodeur. I don’t want a slow, sad, pathetic fade from relevance. I want full-blown francophone melodrama. I want Brodeur to storm out of press scrums. I want name calling. I want a feud that lasts for years and delays his entry into the HHOF.

The front-office I want to see fail the most is the Toronto Maple Leafs’ Functional Arithmetic Working Group (a/k/a Dubas, et al.). If Carlyle’s gone by (Canadian) Thanksgiving or even Hanukkah, and the Leafs make the playoffs with an interim head coach, and then they spend the half of Canadian GDP at their disposal to land Babcock, and make some borderline intelligent off-season moves, to the point that, come next season, they are a honest-to-gawd mediocre team, we will all die.

Tom: Semyon Varlamov. He’s a complete piece of shit human being that beats women AND he’s the only reason the Avs have a chance to make the playoffs again. I hope he gets ebola.

Bartl: I’m hoping Patrick Roy completely goes off the rails when the Avs get off to a shitty start, he loses his players and then begins creating dysfunction for what should be a very-good, up-and-coming young team that he runs into the ground. I’m sick of hearing about how fantastic he is, which means I’d love to see him fail.

New Rule that Twitter Will Take the Most Issue With

Nakis: Twitter will be too busy curing all of society’s apparent ills to focus on such mundane issues.

Adam: The lack of spin-o-ramas in the skills competition will surely have the luddites and serfs in an uproar. If not that, then I’m sure Men’s Health will fill this void shortly.

Mike D: The NHL mandates that the Wild must #UnblockAnthrax and ruin all the fun.

Le Pac: Changes to the face-off hashes. The Leafs will have a bad day at the dot. One of Steve Simmons’ lesser acolytes will blame it on the new hashes and the world will discover exactly how many simultaneous “R2” keystrokes Twitter’s servers are capable of processing.

Tom: Frank Pellico isn’t allowed to play “The Stripper” on Rick Rude Night on 12/16.

Bartl: The increased room for goalies to play pucks behind the net when Crawford leaves the crease more often and DEN WE GOTSTA TRADE DAT BUM FER PICKS AND START RAAAAAAANTA CUZ HES DA ONE TO LEED US TO DA PROMISES LANDS MY FRENTS!

Reminder that we can be reached at cheerthepodcast at gmail dot com!

Games Daniel Carcillo Will Miss Due to Injury/Suspension

Nakis: 25

Adam: God willing every last fucking one of them.

Mike D: 81, because my howl of execration when he hits the ice in Dallas will shatter both his eardrums and cause massive structural damage to his entire Central Nervous System. From 3500 miles away.

Le Pac: 65. A man can dream.

Tom: 13, although I think he only gets maybe a 3 game suspension somewhere along the lines. I’m banking on injury.

Bartl: I’m including healthy scratches and going with 35.

Guy the HockeyBuzz comment section will be pining for in a trade by Christmas (some of us took this differently)

Nakis: Teuvo Teravainen. He won’t be averaging three points a game in Rockford and he’s just a Eurotrash figure skater hyped up by McEGO who will never make it in the NHL. Trade him for Matt Martin and picks.

Adam: Not sure who they’ll actually want, but I know they’ll be willing to trade Brent Seabrook to get him. I’ll go with Andrew Ference because the Oilers will be well out of the playoffs by Christmas. But I guarantee the writer of the post where the comments can be found will have a big throbbing member for Jeff Carter.

Mike D: It’s always Andrew Ladd.

Le Pac: Crow. It’s always Crow.

Tom: Corey Crawford. A .500 circus trip at the end of November has fans calling for Raanta and the annual 7-2 drubbing in Edmonton on 11/22 has Meatball Mark and Italian Sausage Stan in section 331 wondering out loud “WHY DON’T DAT WAITE GUY TELL HIM TO BLOCK DA PUCK BETTER? HEY ITS A POWER PLAY SHOOT IT.”

Bartl: DA SHAAARKS DONT WANT NEIMI NO MORE CUZ DERE A BUNCHA IDIOTS SO WE SHOOD TRADE DIS CRAWSFORD BUM AND HIS CONTRAC TO CALI FER NEIMI CUZ HES DA WON WE SHOODA KEPT IN DA FURST PLASE!!!!

Joel Quenneville, and subsequently Eddie Olczyk’s, whipping boy this year will be __________.

Nakis: Jeremy Morin and David Rundblad will have more shit talked about them at Arlington this year than any horse or jockey……

Adam: Brandon Saad. It always seems to be that 2nd line left wing. Whoever is playing on Patrick Kane’s left side just can never do enough to satisfy the mustache or ice cream’s sexual fantasy.

Mike D: Jeremy Morin. he’s the new Stalberg. Or Leddy.

Le Pac: I sticks with Bicks (sic). We need more. Q will do poorly by Morin, too, but I think he has a special place in his jar of moldy mustache trimmings for Bicks.

Tom: Bryan Bickell. I can’t wait to hear Olczyk talk about about his “need to get to the dirty areas” when he hasn’t scored in 8 games. Edzo was a real gritty guy around the net in his day, what an expert on scoring tough goals.

He’ll regain favor by having 7 HITS in a game against Nashville and Pat and Eddie will talk about how “THAT’S THE TYPE OF GAME A GUY WITH THAT FRAME NEEDS TO PLAY TO HAVE SUCCESS IN THE NHL.”

Bartl: I have this feeling it’s going to be Brad Richards. I wish I had something to back this up, but I’m wondering if he doesn’t produce and quickly they’re going to talk about how he’s on the down slope of his career and get on him for minor things. Again, just a hunch.

Some Fun With Over/Unders (Note: Mike D is abstaining for religious reasons and we respect the right to worship the turnip)

Points for Patrick Kane: 95.5 – Le Pac is the the lone wolf going over here, everyone else went with the under.

Points for Brandon Saad: 59.5 – We’re all on the under here for next contract depression reasons. They don’t want to have to back the Brinks truck up just quite yet for Saad.

Games for Jeremy Morin: 38.5 – Le Pac, Tom and Adam are going over while Nakis and Bartl took the under.

Games for Marian Hossa: 68 – Another one we all took the under. We’ll take our anger to Twitter if it goes over.

Games for Teuvo: 46.5 – Adam is the lone wolf on the over here. He’s in a bidding war with Jeff Gillooly about the price for putting Versteeg at the bottom of the Chicago river but maybe he’ll take out a loan.

Points for the Blackhawks: 107 – Le Pac and Tom go over, Adam, Bartl and Nakis (the forever pessimists) go under.

Stanley Cup Champion Picks

Nakis: Chicago

Adam: Chicago.

Mike D: Chicago.

Le Pac: Chicago.

Tom: Chicago

Bartl: HOCKS

Solidarity.