*Actual “Best” may be smaller than pictured.

Hockey and Music: they’re inextricably entwined. Whether it be Great Goal Songs, Terrible Goal Songs or the Worst Goal Songs in the History Of Bad Goal Songs; arena music programmers who think they’re the first person to think of playing “Song 2″ or “Welcome To The Jungle”, misguided fans singing along to a song that is actually about getting out of the desolate hell-hole they live in or the fact no-one seems to remember that convicted kiddy-fiddler Gary Glitter still gets royalties from “Rock n’Roll Part 2″; music is an integral part of the Hockey experience.

(And, of course, there’s  Täint Nügget.)

However, there is also a subculture of bands and musicians that have written and recorded (and based their entire careers, in some cases) on songs about Hockey. After the jump, we look at the Five Best Hockey Songs..

 

5: The Arrogant Worms: Me Like Hockey

 

 

Who They?:  The Arrogant Worms are a Canadian Musical Comedy Trio that have been around since 1991, pastiching many aspects of Canadian life and parodying different musical styles. And yes, generally they’re about as funny as that sounds.

Why It Makes The List: Despite the aforementioned drawbacks, this song is pretty damn hilarious; being the way, I’m fairly sure, that all meatheads actually think.  It’s one mention of “DAT BUFFLIN GUY” short of being a Hockeybuzz comment.

Best Moment: Without a doubt, the line “I no like Finnish names/What a ‘Teemu’ anyway?”

 

4: Two Man Advantage: Overtime

 

 

 

Who They?: Scuzzballs from Long Island who met while playing Beer-League Hockey and have, since 1997, released a couple of albums and the usual smattering of 7″ singles and complitaion appearances. This track is from 2008’s splendidly-named South Of Canada LP. Still touring regularly and, apparently, an excellent live show.

Why It Makes The List: Any band that writes songs exclusively about Hockey, Beer or a combination of the two is A-OK in my book. I was tempted to choose “Lockout” for topicality, but this hymn to heading into sudden-death with your dander up is a winner. Oh, and they used to have a bass player called “Teemu Heineken” which is just plain great.

Best Moment: That chorus “Now we’re playing/in Overtime/Playing for the two points and a win”: Heroic. I have a tendency to yell it at my TV whenever Free-Hockey starts.

 

3: Jughead: The Hockey Song

 

 

Who They?: Ur-Canadian  pioneers of “Motorgrass” (apparently Lemmy really likes their version of Ace of Spades) , they’ve been around since 1989 and so has their website, by the looks of it.

Why It Makes The List: Hilariously-accented Canadians trying to do “Hilarious” French, Californian and Australian accents? Count me in. Also, strangely addicitve: trying to say “Hockey” that many times at that speed doesn’t really work (that “H” sound requires a breath) so it comes out as “Yockyockyockyockyockyocky”, which is always fun.

Best Moment: at 2:30,when the rugged, Jeff Ament lookalike bass player slides a few feet down the platform at Toronto’s College Station, then immediately looks sheepish and guilty. That’s not safe, buddy.

 

2: Hanson Brothers : He Looked A Lot Like Tiger Williams

 

 

Who They?:  A side project of British Columbia’s excellent NoMeansNo, the Hanson Brothers fuse the Ramones, Hockey and Beer into a glorious whole, best experienced on 1996’s Sudden Death LP. Gleefully, joyfully dumb, I could have filled this entire article with their songs. Check them out. When I hear “The Good Ol’ Hockey Game” it’s their version I think of.

Why It Makes The List: I’ve extolled the Awesomeness of Tiger Williams elsewhere. Suffice to say, this ode to a Legend of the Game is suitably awestruck. If there were more Tiger Williams in positions of power, this whole world would roll on a lot more smoothly. And with head contusions. Lots of those.

Best Moment: The bit where they bet that God “Looks A Lot Like Tiger Williams”, of course.  Although, from that, one must assume that Satan bears a striking resemblance to Terry O’Reilly.

 

1) Warren Zevon: Hit Somebody

 

 

Who He?: The late and truly great Warren Zevon, from Chicago, Illinois, one of the most underrated songwriters in rock history. Left an indelible body of work, including “Werewolves Of London”, “Johnny Strikes Up The Band” and “Desperados Under the Eaves” as well as bravely chronicling the cancer that was killing him on his final album “The Wind”. This number is from his penultimate album, My Ride’s Here.

Why It Makes The List: In telling the tale of a “Canadian Farmboy” with dreams of “being Rocket Richard” but who instead ends up as a Goon, Zevon anticipated the current debate over enforcers by a good decade. It’s a heartbreaker and a genuinely great song.

Best Moment: Definitely that bit where.. ahh, forget it. just listen to the song, you’ll figure it out. And you should maybe get the vacumn cleaner out soon, because i think it’s a wee bit dusty where you are right now.

 

You may be wondering why I left out such Hockey-Centric bands as Slap-Shot and The Zambonis. The reason is, their music is terrible. Ditto Five For Fighting who, despite having a great name, manage to suck harder than a thousand collapsing suns.