It’s time, once again, to renew hostilities with the despised Winged Wheel. I’m busy laying in the booze and soundproofing my room (my neighbours don’t like it when the Police, Fire Brigade, Bomb Squad and a Priest all turn up simultaneously in the middle of the night). However, I took some time out of my busy schedule to look at some of the chief characteristics of their fans, just so we can look forward to not seeing so much of them in the future.  Without further ado, here they are:




Distinguishing Features: “So, duude, like, how many Cups has your team won? Right? It’s called ‘Hockeytown’ for a reason, bro! How many? Whoo! Go Wings? Like Cups, and stuff, so you got a lot of those, eh? Hang on man, they’re playing Journey! RRoooock!”

Redeeming Features:  The annoying thing is, they do, indeed, have a point. Detroit have more Cups than any other American team and are third overall behind Montreal and Toronto. They also have a list of Hall-Of-Famers that’ll make your head spin (clean off your body and into the crowd, in the case of Gordie Howe).

Secret Hope: That Nicklas Lidstrom is going to do a Spinal Tap-style entrance at the 11th-hour and make it all better again. Please?

Secret Fear:  That, if they DO win the Cup again, the NHL won’t let the Wings take it to Detroit until they’ve managed to put a citywide alert out to all the pawnshops


Distinguishing Features:  “The whole world is against us! The NHL hates us so much, it’s realigned the entire League just so we don’t have to sit up a whole extra hour to watch hockey. And they suspend our players for doing nothing! (years of watching Kronwall has made Wings fans believe that you’re supposed to leap off the ice into someone’s head) And there was that one year when they didn’t give the Norris to Lidstrom. That’s, like, sooooo unfair”

Redeeming Features:  Makes Vancouver fans even more hilarious, as they have a similar degree of entitled whining without, you know, having any trophies actually worth celebrating.

Secret Hope: That playing regularly in Boston, Montreal and Toronto is going to make them seem quite likeable, in comparison.

Secret Fear: “The Quebec Nordiques announce that season-tickets for 2014-2015 have sold out in ten minutes” (


Distinguishing Features: “Wait for it, duuudes.. Ima pull this stinking dead thing outta ma pants and sling a bitch on the ice! AAAAAWEEESSSSOOOOOMMMME! All while I cover you in bits of rotting seafood!”

Redeeming Features: Occasionally has enough self-awareness to thank his lucky stars that the famous “Legend” thing wasn’t for 10 games.. or he’d be trying to smuggle a lobster in his shorts.

Secret Hope:  If you’ve gone to a Hockey game with a decomposing cephalopod shoved down your trousers… well, the word “Hope” doesn’t figure very large in your future. Unless it’s “Wow, I hope Booze-Bunker has some good offers on MD 20/20 this week”

Secret Fear: Lets go too early, octopus sails into crowd. Hits girlfriend of tattooed meth dealer (97.5% probability in any Detroit crowd situation). Becomes a statistic.



Distinguishing Features: “Hey it’s that guy out of that thing.. you know? Runs around a lot? Got amazing pecs? You know, you’ve seen it? Hey, dude,can we get a photo? Gee, thanks, Kris Humphries!”

Redeeming Features: It could be worse (see below)

Secret Hope: That he isn’t pestered, because Detroit fans don’t really bother with the Twilight series: if they want to interact with dangerous “Creatures of the Night”, they just have to go to the ATM.

Secret Fear: Jordin Tootoo comes up to him after the game, wearing a “Team Edward” shirt and an angry expression.


Further comment is unnecessary


Let’s Go, Hawks!