Here Come The Nucks..

While they may have gone off the ‘Hawks radar a little this season, there’s no doubt that we’ll all be reminded of just how much we dislike this team tonight, especially as Vancouver will come out all guns blazing to try to thwart Chicago in their pursuit of the Greatest Prize in Sports, the Presidents’ Trophy.

Tonight’s game is in the Rogers so that means

1) A Three-In-The-Fucking-Morning puck-drop for me. Thanks a bunch, Western Time Zone.

2) Lots of towel waving from Vancouver fans.. and on that subject, let’s take a look at our “Friends” in British Columbia in a little more detail.

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Canucks fans come in all shapes and sizes.. some are wonderful people, others, less so. Here’s some of the more frequently-encountered types.

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Van 5

Distinguishing Features: Firmly believes that the Canucks have never, ever lost due to being “Not As Good At Hockey” as the Other team. Instead it’s the fault of, in no particular order, the NHL, the Refs swallowing their whistles, the Media, the Refs calling too many penalties,  a Top-Secret Cabal made up of Americans and jealous Canadians that is determined to manipulate the entire NHL to ensure that the Canucks never, ever win the Stanley Cup and, possibly, Space Aliens.

Redeeming Features: The lengths that they will go to back up their pet conspiracy theories is highly entertaining, in a car-crash sort of way (like watching Buffalo).

Secret Hope: That one day, while presenting the Cup to yet another undeserving team that only won lots of Games in the Playoffs, Gary Bettman’s mask slips off to reveal that he is, in fact, an alien from the Planet Zanussi, sent here to destroy the minds of Mankind. (Actually, they may be on to something here..)

Secret Fear: That they’re likely to end up as a footnote in some Med-Student’s dissertation on the Long-Term-Effects of Cannabis.

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Distinguishing Features:  Loves living in Vancouver. Is, rightly, proud of the city’s vibrant culture, diversity, tolerance, excellent food and glorious surroundings. Is also proud to be a Canucks fan and loves the way that supporting their Hockey team brings the citizens of the city together. However, readily admits that, sometimes, bringing large numbers of citizens together in Downtown Vancouver isn’t such a great idea.

Redeeming Features: Has stuck with the Nucks through thick & thin without ever feeling the need to mark a Post-Season defeat by setting fire to a police car using a jersey that he looted from Sears.

Secret Hope: That, someday, snarky-asshole Opposition bloggers won’t feel the need to add a Riot Joke to everything they write about the Canucks (dream on, buddeh).

Secret Fear: That it wasn’t all the work of “Outside Agitators”, as evidenced by half of the students in the Ecology-Studies class he teaches not showing up the day after, due to smoke-inhalation injuries or incarceration; and the other half showing up smelling of tear-gas with brand-new sneakers and six watches on each arm.

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Van 1

Distinguishing Features: Usually ridiculously close to a burning police car in photographs that are circulated worldwide.  Firmly believes that a slightly-pulled-up-over-the-nose Hockey jersey renders him unidentifiable as he flees a looted department store.  Inadvisable Facebook Updates should be assumed as a matter of course. Definitely not from Seattle, Portland, Edmonton or Soviet Russia.

Redeeming Features: Have to dig deep here…  I guess maybe they made the rest of the Hockey World get over that “The Morning After You Slept With Someone You Really, Really Shouldn’t Have” shame that we were due, having supported a Boston Sports team.

Secret Hope: That that Conviction for Criminal Damage, Assault on a Police Officer and Looting isn’t going to affect their chances of landing that Dream Job in a Non-Profit Co-Op when they Graduate. And that the College they attend never reads the news.

Secret Fear: That the sight, on TV, of a bunch of skinny, pale, White and Asian rich kids trashing the downtown of a Canadian city over a Hockey game isn’t going to engender quite the sort of Global Support that people being shot in the streets in Iran and Syria does.

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Van 2

Oh, just Fuck Off and Die, already. It was funny for about ten seconds. Now, Stop. Just…Stop.

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Van 4

Distinguishing Features:  Sorrow, Heartbreak, Disappointment, Failure. So goes the History of the Nucks.. This Type is Universal.. every single Canuck fan, at some point, goes through this phase. And that point happens every year, as, in the Vancouver Trophy Room, cobwebs form on several Presidents Trophies and dust falls lightly on the dead fly in the space reserved for the Stanley Cup.

Redeeming Features: Makes Hawks fans feel better even when we’ve been dumped out ourselves.

Secret Hope: That, somehow, Next Year will be better.. please….

Secret Fear: That it won’t and the rest of the Hockey World will go on laughing and laughing and laughing, from now until the Sun goes Out. And then future Historians from the Planet Zanussi find a time-capsule about the Vancouver Canucks in the wreckage of Earth, 356 Billion years from now,  and laugh again.

Let’s Go, Hawks!

(Ed’s Note: the “Titfer” referred to above is Cockney Rhyming Slang: “Tit-Fer-Tat”=”Hat”

Just like “Bears To Punt”=”Alex Burrows”)