Iggy: A Morality Play
That’s right, CtA now has a Photoshop/parody guy. We are more than excited to welcome Michael Devine, who will be posting as regularly as he would like on this site and gracing us and you readers with some hilarity.
Firstly, go follow him on Twitter @brightblack76. Then, double-check to make sure you’re following him, because you’re missing out if you’re not. He already has some stuff up here for you to check out when you get the chance.
Michael, who also has gone by mightymikeD, describes himself as such: “Irish, lives in London and goes through horrific sleep-deprivation to watch Hawks games at Ass O’Clock in the Morning!”
And you thought YOU were a die-hard fan.
Have you been wondering how Stan Bowman is “wooing” Jarome Iginla to come to Chicago? Well, without further bullshit, here’s Michael’s first contribution to CtA:
“Iggy: A Morality Play”
Scene: Morning. A luxury Chicago hotel room. Jarome Iginla wakes up. He appears to be in the bathtub. His head is pounding and there is a funny taste in his mouth. He groans and looks at his watch, realises, with horror, that he is late for his flight and tries to climb out of the bath.
Iggy: “Oh, heck, Bob’s going to kill me. Without me being there the guys will just be milling around aimlessly in the terminal and Kipper has probably got himself deported!”
He catches sight of himself in the bathroom mirror and freezes in horror.
Iggy: “What in the fudge? Why am I wearing make-up? What are these bruises on my arms? WHY DO I HAVE “PK RULEZ YO” WRITTEN IN LIPSTICK ON MY CHEST??!?”
There is a loud knocking at the door. Iginla hurries to get dressed. His clothes appear to be missing except for his suit pants, although they have been cut off inexpertly at thigh-height, and his tie; which has some odd stains on it.
Iggy: “I’m coming, I’m coming. Oh, fiddlesticks, where is my shirt?”
The knocking continues, louder and more insistent. Iginla gives up and opens the door.
Stan Bowman stands there, smiling strangely.
Stan: “Good morning, Iggy. Mind if I come in? (He pushes past Iginla into the room, kicking the door closed behind him) Beautiful morning isn’t it? Shame about the game last night but that’s what happens when you skate with bums. Aren’t you sick of skating with bums, Iggy?”
Iggy: “Mr. Bowman! What are you doing here? I have to get to the airport.. (Iginla tries to open the door but Bowman pushes him gently in the chest. Iginla, in his weakened condition, staggers backwards and sits down heavily on the bed)
Stan: “Wait a minute, Iggy, there’s no rush. I wanted to have a word with you about where you’d like to be be playing Hockey for the foreseeable future. (He opens his briefcase and withdraws a large manila envelope)
Iggy: “Please, Mr Bowman, I really must get to that plane.. I’m feeling unwell and I don’t know what happened to me or where my clothes are and I just want to go home to my wife and kids (he chokes back a sob) Also, I’m not sure it’s proper for you to be talking about…. (Bowman cuts him off with a sudden snarl)
Stan: “Proper? Proper? (he smiles again) Let me tell you about ‘Proper’ Jarome. Catch..”
He tosses the envelope to Iginla who opens it with shaking hands. Inside are several large, glossy photographs and what appears to be a photocopy of a bar bill. Iginla stares dumbfounded at the photos, his mouth working silently. Then he starts to tremble and retch. Bowman steps back smartly as he throws up on the carpet.
Iggy: “Oh my God! Oh my God! What the heck?”
Stan: “Oh, don’t worry about the carpet, Iggy. This room is where eight of the Blues stay when they’re in town. The maids are used to dealing with much, much worse on the carpets, walls and ceiling.”
Iggy: (weeping) “I-I don’t understand.. I remember coming to say “Hi” to Mr T, then that nice Susannah lady gave me a wheatgerm smoothie she said she’d made ‘Special’ for me and after that it’s all a blank.. I mean… look at these? Why am I in a limousine with Kaner and Mr T? Why am I on the hood while they’re doing peel-outs? Where would you find that much cheez-wiz in the middle of the night? Why do none of these ladies have any clo.. OH MY GOD IS THAT PIERRE MCGUIRE???”
Bowman picks up a photo, turns it around a few times, frowning.
Stan: “Oh, right, no, that’s a midget hobo in a gimp suit that we picked up down the docks. But I can see how you’d make that mistake. I must say, Iggy, I was shocked, shocked to see such scenes of depravity. And you a family man and everything. I mean, look at this picture: I’m pretty sure they’re going to have to demolish what’s left of that club and possibly salt the earth afterwards”
Iggy: “Oh, I’m ruined. My career is over, my family… what have I done?”
He buries his face in his hands, weeping uncontrollably. Bowman sits next to him and puts a comforting arm around his shaking shoulders. He has another envelope in his hand.
Stan: “There, there. Don’t cry, Iggy. I’m your friend. It turns out that I have, in my hand here, an envelope that can make that other envelope just…’Go Away’” (he opens the envelope. Inside is a contract with the Chicago Blackhawks with the places for signature marked clearly.) “Yes, if I can just get your John Hancock where marked, last night never happened. You’ll be on a good team and no one need every know about the hamsters in the jacuzzi. Everyone wins”
Iggy: “But..but, what about Mr Feaster? I don’t think he’ll stand for this…
Stan: “Oh, don’t worry about Jay: I’m going to send him Kyle Beach with a note round his neck saying ‘This is your new #12 Mr Feaster, you totally won this trade and all the other GMs think you’re RAD’. That’ll keep him happy. Now sign away, there’s a good man. You’ve got new teammates to meet.”
Iginla signs with shaking hand but the light of hope in his eyes.
Iggy: “There you go, Mr Bowman. Do you really think you can make this all disappear?”
Stan: “Ha! Sure! If I say the words “Kim” and “Johnsson” to you do they have any meaning? No? Exactly. Now, I see you have no shirt.. here. I brought something for you”
Moral of the story:
“You wanna know how to get Iginla? They pull a NMC, you pull an offer. They send one of theirs here, you send one of them out on the town with Kaner. THAT’S the Chicago way! And that’s how you get Iginla”
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